A correspondence.
Derrick,
You'll probably
think I'm a coward for not telling you this to your face. Maybe I am, but I think
it's more complicated than that.
I'm gone.
My father
returned, as you know. Now he moves us. I'll never see you again, this much I'm
sure of. You have a life ahead of you and, although we spent a descent amount
of time together, you will be without me now. I feel you are prepared for this.
You have your apprenticeship where you want to. I'm sure you'll make a
wonderful soldier someday. I hope my ego has made me believe you feel more for
me than you do. I know you'll be fine without me.
I admit I held
back a lot from you. You said it around a thousand times - and I lied when I
denied it. I couldn't tell you all the things I might have shared. I didn't let
things go as far as I might have wanted to - because I knew I'd have to leave,
someday. You knew something was wrong, well, this was it. I could never have
stayed with you and abandoned my family.
I have some
regrets. I try to focus on our better times, likepromenade dances, when I
taught you to ice skate, and the way you'd read to me while I gardened. I will
miss the way you so expressed the character's emotions. Those times you moved
me to tears and laughed at my silliness...
Still, I have
left. There will be no more time for us to fight, or laugh or talk over things.
I just wanted you to know I care about you, and I couldn't simply leave without
saying goodbye.
Goodbye,
Jenna
Second Game Session. March 1997
Feeling My Age
(or lack thereof)
I kept putting things off until I no longer could. I feel so torn. I want to train under Uncle Benedict. I mean, I really want to. Yet I don't want to do so much as to endanger what little closeness I've been able to build with father. So, I waited until the last moment before contacting Uncle Benedict.
I did things as he'd explained them to me, and his 'trump' soon chilled cool to cold. I heard his voice asking who it was before he began to come into focus.
"It's Jenna." I said. Then I was looking at him. He sat in a tent, and I had the feeling he had things to do.
"Hello Jenna." he said. I was surprised by how happy I felt to see him again, so much less isolated. I still had to impart what I felt to be bad news though, and I wasn't comfortable enough to attempt pleasant small talk.
"I wanted to tell you - I've given this a lot of thought, and I think it's probably best if I didn't study with you. It's not that I don't want to, but I don't want to do anything to antagonize my relationship with my father."
"Did he tell you he did not want you to do this?" he calmly asked.
"Not exactly, but I definitely got the impression it might upset him - and I really want to be able to get along with him."
"Would you like me to speak with your father?" he asked. Well, I hadn't considered that.
"I...that may be a better idea, if you could..."
"I'll contact him when I have the time." he said. I nodded. Of course he was busy.
"Do you have any idea how weird this is?" I asked.
"No."
"This is very weird. Anyway, I think we're going to Amber soon." I said nervously.
"Take care Jenna." he said. Well, more like reminded, warned. I nodded. "To end the contact run your hand over the card."
"Goodbye." I said, doing as he told me. When I pulled my hand back up off the card it was cool again, as it had been. I shook my head in wonder, and thought how much running around I could have saved if I'd just had some of these cards to talk to people!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few days later I was able to get alone with father. I'm sure I could have gotten him alone sooner, had I only asked, but how could I ask mother to leave? It wasn't that they were in constant conversation, but she just looked so much more relaxed whenever he was around - and even younger.
I'd spent the previous days considering how to express myself. As I said before, I want to get along with father, but I also want to show him I will not be... subservient. Once we were alone, I began quietly.
"I regret what I said the other day - about your not being around. I understand that you were gone fighting a war in order to protect us. I suppose I'm feeling some resentment that I don't quite understand. My logic escapes me occasionally." I shrugged.
"You worded that well." he said. He looked slightly pleased. "Very well." he repeated, nodding. He didn't even seem to have anything to say about my admission. Guess I was a little worried about that. I just smiled at his strangeness. Far be it from me to have a normal father.
Road Trip
Everything had been packed up and loaded into three moving trucks. My plants and gardening supplies filled one vehicle on their own. Clothes, a few appliances, some furniture and other things - like my rapier collection and mother's porcelain dolls - were the bulk of the other two.
I'd dressed using common sense, unlike both my parents, who looked prepared for dinner in an upper class establishment. I just wore jeans and my favorite blue and white T with horizontal stripes, and of course my black hiking boots. I'd put a sweatshirt in my backpack along with my tarots and journals; and a greenfruit for snacking. Oh, and my jacks.
Everything was out - mother was doing her last check - when the white limo pulled up. Even the windows were tinted white! Out strolls father in his white suit! I just couldn't believe his preference was this strong.
"Think you might be a little obsessed with the white? A bit white fixated?" I teased. He just glanced at me.
"We all take colors. You will have your own colors someday." he told me. I guess humor is not dad's strong suit. I just shook my head. I just don't get him.
We loaded into the limo, mother and I in the back; father in front with the driver. We took lead of out caravan, and before too long strange and mystical things began happening. We were definitely no longer in our former home world. I nudged mom.
"Are you seeing this?" I whispered.
"I've learned not to ask questions dear." she replied. I shrugged and poured myself a glass of wine. She gave me a look but didn't say anything. I'd have all kinds of questions for father. He wanted me to ask him the questions and he'll get them! I didn't get out paper to write them down right then, because I was too amazed by what was happening outside to look away. Obviously father was doing something, but I knew better than to interrupt and ask what.
I have no idea how much time passed, being so absorbed in the ever changing environment, but eventually we stopped. We were in an opening in a forest. There waited three large wagons, some horses, and a number of men. And do not let me fail to mention father's beast of a horse.
The animal father was going to ride: Humongous would be too tame a description. This horse was supernaturally large. I was stunned. The thing looked happy to see father - and father looked happy to see it!
"What is..." I stammered, gesturing toward the animal.
"This is Morganstern. Say hello Morganstern." father said. The horse kneeled, and bowed his head. "Hello Morganstern." I grinned. I knew this horse would completely understand my years of feeling I didn't fit in. I walked over to make friends - petting his shoulder(which is about 2' above my head). I think he liked me.
In the meantime, baggage was transferred from the trucks to the wagons. That done, we mounted horses. Even with my limited experience on horses I did fine. I even enjoyed the ride. Mother rode sidesaddle in her gown, waking some of those memories: the ones where I'm so young I'd thought they were dreams instead of memories.
Memories - this trip was bringing them back by the gross. Especially recollections of our move when I was seven. It was quick, we couldn't even take everything. I'd had to leave behind all those books I'd taken as friends in lieu of people, although I did save a few of my favorites. I was in such shock at the quickness of events I never even cried. By the time the sadness set in it was too late to waste energy on tears. I'd had a new room to set up, things to help mother with, and a big backyard full of interesting plants to investigate. I'd just read a story of a world of sentient flowers, and those plants replaced my books.
I guess I'd learned to adapt.
What I recalled most vividly was the actual moving. I'd worn myself out packing what I could and I was so tired and in mother's lap. Unbelievable changes began occurring along our path, and I tried to stay awake. I managed to fight off sleep an hour, I think, before mother's soft humming did me in.
I had thought it just a dream. Here it is though, dreams converting to memories, and amazing things surround me.
~~~~~~~~~~
We rode quite awhile, passing streams (some bubbly, some drab), progressively larger trees, and varying shades of foliage. The biota was astounding - everything from yellow to periwinkle in patches to gigantic chrysanthemums and thousands of flowers I've never seen before.
Then it started to sprinkle. I glanced at mother who looked surprised and irritated. Our entourage slowed. Eventually father called a halt. I stretched without getting off my horse (I'd dubbed her Lady, although I'm sure she had some other name). About thirty seconds later the rain ended allowing us to continue our trek, although the clouds didn't clear to renew my view of a remarkable sky.
We were able to go forward ten minutes before the hail began. It wasn't that bad, but it was dinging on father's all-white armor; mother and I most certainly weren't dressed for it. Again father called a halt, adding an order for tents. His men (all marvelous professionals) must have had those tents up in less than two minutes. I again had to remind myself a war had just ended. These men undoubtedly had erected tents under much worse circumstances than a little hail.
Mother was right into the tent, but I wanted to see what everyone else was doing, get a better look around. The storm was getting worse, and I crowded in with a group of guards who moved positions seemingly to protect me. I guess that's why they are called guards, I'm just not used to it. I kept my mouth shut, nervous I'd break some protocol by being too familiar.
The storm went from hail to rain to sleet to ice to rain to ice... Soon enough I was told nicely to go inside, get some rest. I tried to lay down in the little corner fashioned into a small room, but the lightning and thunder - my curiosity got the best of me.
I quietly moved to the front of the tent and pulled the flap aside just enough to see. Father stood fifteen feet before me, facing away, with his right hand on Morgenstern. In the midst of the torrent he appeared dry at first. Six men stood around him, in guarding positions, but none of them noticed me. I wanted to ask him what he was doing, but, again, I knew interrupting him would be bad. I also had the feeling those guards might not let me near enough to even have a chance.
The pelting rain changed to tiny swords. It took me a moment to comprehend. I was protected, but my protectors were taking some damage. The ground rolled, giving my balance a fight. Lightning was everywhere, and then it started turning into trees as it hit the ground. Yes - lightning into trees. I wouldn't believe it had the evidence not shown itself later.
No end of strange, no, impossible events occurred almost at once. I looked back to father to find him shaking. I scanned out again, worried finally. Then it was as if a white explosion happened. Except there was no explosion and no sound - just overwhelming brightness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I awoke I was under something. My first thought was I'd been buried alive. I pushed up with my hands and figured out I was under the tent. I shoved the material off me, and someone next to me groaned. I climbed out more gently and took a deep breath. I was unscathed.
I looked around at an abnormal scene but registered it as normal, or at least safe. I immediately began searching for mother. She turned out to be the one who groaned. Mother, with a broken arm and leg, took it all very well, I thought. While the men were setting and bracing her injuries I went to find father.
He was in the only standing tent. At first I wasn't sure he was alive, which stopped me from touching him. I leaned over him.
"Father" I whispered. His face was so pink, perhaps burned. He blinked a bit. I sighed.
"Jenna... rest." he barely managed to croak. I got his point and left him alone. I came out and they took mom in. Surveying the damage I found one wagon in a tree (I later figured out it was embedded in the tree), one missing, and one unmolested. The surviving wagon held my flowers and all my gardening supplies. I must just be lucky.
I dug my backpack out of the big tent, which was a total loss. I threw it in father's tent, and told the guy who looked in charge I was off to find water. I grabbed a bucket from my wagon and headed South (at least I think it was South). I decided not to go more than three minutes in any direction.
I'd gotten about two minutes out when the bird sounds ceased. I stopped, held very still, and listened. There was a sound to my left, but I couldn't see anything. Then a rustling to my right. Then something closer on the left. I turned to bolt back to camp and almost fell over a big dog-wolfe creature. I pulled myself back with a gasp.
Dogs sense fear, and I think all animals might, so I calmed myself. No need to fear an animal who isn't growling or biting.
"Good boy. Good puppy." I looked him in the eyes, put my hand under his nose and reached up to scratch his head. He let me. I stood up and he walked toward the woods. He looked into the forest, at me, back to the woods. Obviously, he wanted me to follow him.
It wasn't a long trip, but I tried to study him as we went. He wasn't exactly a dog, but he was more like a dog than any other animal I know. He was really too big to be a dog, and perhaps even too intelligent, as he lead me to water. He perplexed me because he reminded me of something. I still can't put my finger on it.
I filled my bucket from the stream and turned to find him gone.
"I guess you won't be leading me back to camp, huh?" I said to the air, and headed on a vector back to camp.
So we had enough water. Somewhere these men found food. I spent time earlier potting some of the unique horticulture from the area. I found some fruits to munch on too. Mother and father are resting. All things considered, the day was uneventful. Father's color is returning to it's normal pale, and his hair is almost black. Mother is a little pale but she is sleeping and sleep is healing.
These guys are good. I haven't had to do much of anything. That almost bothers me.
I don't know when we'll continue toward Amber, but if we're camping out, this is a beautiful spot. The sun sets now, so I'll have to stop writing. I could use some rest anyway.
'You'll get used
to it.'
I only got to camp out one night, for the next morning father was up. I was amazed - he should have still been resting but he was up before I was, buckling up that strange armor. I do like it though, just waking up and seeing him in it with the sunlight glinting off; I fancied it to be made from an enchanted albino mermaid's tail. Silly, the thought. Still, who needs to be grown up? I'll have to ask him the real story behind that armor one day.
"You should still be resting." I admonished, stretching.
"I'm fine." he said, turning to face me. The sun was at his back; what a figure he struck. "I hear you handled things well yesterday."
I sat up and shrugged. "What was I going to do, panic?" I smiled. What I'd done was no big deal. I stretched some more.
"No, that would not be acceptable." he told me.
"Of course not." I smiled, just realizing he had been giving me a compliment. How backward my father is. Nonetheless, it was nice of him to say something.
Mom was up, although not her happy, perkier self. I stuck close by her while everything got packed onto horses and tried to make jokes. She had regained her color, and was back to smiling, even if it did have an ironic curl to it. "This is not exactly how I pictured my entrance to Amber." she told me. Poor mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We rode on that day, things staying relatively uneventful. I was quietly awed by the habitat we were riding through. Enormous, beautiful trees, the like of which I'd only dreamed of. Fertive glimpses of wildlife, and the flora - magnificent. All these things kept me somewhat more silent than I would have otherwise been.
We arrived at the mansion in the late afternoon. I knew we were close because father rode ahead and the men started stretching. I galloped up some, to the front of the caravan, just as a large white chateau came into view. It nearly stopped me in my tracks. It was perfectly suited for the forest, and very few, (if any) trees had been removed to build it. There was a tent full of refreshments in the shade of a tree, out to the left of the house.
Between the tent and the house father was greeted by a very handsome man. They shook hands, and father turned toward me. I dismounted and walked over to them, feeling very tenitive. Who was this? An Uncle? certainly he wasn't going to start introducing me to Uncles when I've been on horseback for days.
I came even with father. He glanced at me, just for a second, then turned to the young man.
"This is your sister, Jenna." he said, then continued without looking back at me. "Jenna, this is Auric."
"Auric." I whispered within my smile. I liked the way his name felt. Then I did what any loving sibling should do; I hugged him. It wasn't something father had encouraged much past his return. Hugs were reserved for special occasions. I felt this was one. He was a little slow in responding, but once committed to a hug, pulling back would have been lame. I accepted his wary reply, and smiled broadly as he tried not to look surprised.
"It's nice to met you." he said. He smiled, and 'Oh, what a charmer!' I thought. Smooth voice. A ladies man, my brother. "I've got the house all ready for you."
"It's lovely but, so big! Too big!" I said. Auric looked amused, but father's expression didn't change.
"You'll get used to it." he said.
"More white too, huh?" I joked. He didn't say anything, but started leading us over to mother. "Mother had a little incident."
"Incident?" asked Auric.
"She has a broken arm and leg. Little run in with a tent." I giggled (so ashamed of giggling.)
"What?"
"We ran into this supernatural storm. It was pretty bad. She's going to be alright, but she's not quite at her peak." I explained. He nodded, then looked mother's way with shock written all over him. I was about to ask him what his problem was when the look just left his face. It was as if it'd never been there. I shrugged it off and leaned over mom, who looked embarrassed to have to be carried. Father had gotten there a few steps ahead of us, and had been whispering with her.
"Mom," I kissed her on the cheek, "this is Auric."
"Hello Auric." she said a bit too loudly. He bowed in my periphery.
"Mom, what'd they give you?" I laughed. She even looked a little high.
"I don't know, but it's working." she answered with a silly grin. I had to laugh. She was looking better. She must have been relieved to reach the house. I know I was. I'd completely forgotten all about my three days without a bath, in all the excitement. I forgot that my hair was dull with dust, and my teeth could use brushing. Auric lead me over to the tent and gave me lemon aid. We sat down and started talking. And we talked.
He gave me a tour of the chateau; he introduced me to Wilson, our head servant; he showed me how to walk through a trump card!!! We talked some more. I enjoyed his company so much I forgot all those little traveling irritations and couldn't stop smiling.
The last stop on the tour of my new home lead us to the garden. A huge beautiful garden!
We wrote a note and sent turtle-like Wilson to give it to father. I was giddy with our conspiracy to sneak off to the city. Auric opened a trump card and we went through it. We were right outside the gates to the Castle! I stood there awestruck for a moment, until Auric started pointing out the guards, the mountain, the road we'd follow to the city.
The city! Beautiful! No homeless, no one begging. It nestled cozily within a perfect guard wall. Auric told me King Eric had it constructed during the war. He escorted me, arm in arm, telling me stories, showing me sights.
Then we began shopping. I'll say now we spent a fortune, and I'll try not to mention it again, as it's another thing I'm supposed to be getting used to (along with having servants and being royalty). First he got me to a dressmaker.
"This is a lady friend from shadow. Give her whatever she wants - on my credit." he told them. They measured and pinned and questioned and molded. I loved it. I giggled (yes, even more) and modeled for Auric. We got some curious stares.
"You know we're starting rumors." I whispered.
"It's not like I've never brought a lady into the city before." he grinned. I just laughed and rolled my eyes, which brought even more stares, which got me laughing even harder.
I ended up with ten gowns, and guestimated two for mom. So immediately we had more boxes than we could carry. Auric called over a few young boys and gave them gold pieces to follow us around carrying our purchases. I felt like a princess. We went on to the jewelers.
"I want something to match my eyes." I said. He nodded. Amazingly enough, we found a necklace and matching earrings, and they did match my eyes, which I wasn't sure was possible.
Auric assures me all things are possible. Some of his stories-well, it's hard to believe they're more than just tales. But then there are the things I can see clearly in my mind's eye. Especially Auric's relationship with father.
"We didn't get along. He despised my artistic side. Father had solid determination concerning what he expected his son to be, and I wasn't cooperating." he told me.
"What about your mother?" I asked.
"I don't really remember her very well. She was there when I was small, then she wasn't" he said.
"I wish it hadn't been that way for you." I said.
"You don't have to be sorry." he said.
"I just..." I shrugged. I couldn't get the feeling to go into words. "When I was young father came and went. We moved all the time. He and mother met during the beginning of the war and I guess I came along and ta-da: marriage. He was never the most affectionate person, but mother was. I knew not to disappoint him - somehow. I didn't think about it, I just followed my gut."
"You seem a natural."
"Thank you. You know... he just does these strange things." I said, and told him about the second day after the storm.
"I think he was pleased with you." he said.
"I do too, but... why does he have to be so distant about it? Why is he so strange?"
"I don't know." Auric replied, wistfully.
"It scares me how much I want to please him." I whispered.
"Yes, it is the same for me." he said quietly. "So," he perked up, "what else do you need?" I smiled. Yes, it wouldn't do to stay so serious.
"Shoes!" I said. "These are the only shoes I have... and mom! I looked down at my black boots -dusty, feeling guilty for not being sure if either of mother's shoes survived intact. I also realized it would take more than this shopping trip to refurbish everything we'd lost. I sighed and smiled. Might as well enjoy the work.
I got shoes, for me and mom. We talked and joked. We visited a few other shops. He bought me a rapier with a jeweled hilt and decorative gold belt to carry it on. A beautiful weapon, a wonderful gift. He also bought a mahogany card holder for mother, so I'll be able to keep her entertained with cards,as she can only play one handed.
We also went looking for a party, in the social sense. Auric trumped Lord Fitzgin, who said he'd get back to us. Yet another handsome and charming man, and this one unrelated! Amber just gets better and better.
We stopped for a snack and discussed Uncle Benedict. Auric agrees that I need basic survival training. He also thinks Benedict is the perfect person for the job. I personally think I could survive most anything. It's all about staying calm and trusting myself. I haven't failed yet. Still, maybe it'd be interesting.
Auric also gave me some trumps. He dropped some hints on who I can trust. I want to trust. I told him I'm not sure I want to learn to mistrust people. He says I have to. He seems genuinely concerned. How can I argue with him when he has had to live in the middle of things I've only heard of.
I really enjoyed being with him, and he seemed to have a good time too. Certainly, he has years of maturity on me, but I feel we share many thoughts and feelings. I could not have chosen a better brother.
I must be part of the most beautiful family in the Universe. Auric must keep the ladies fighting. We'll be the talk of the city - until they find out we're siblings.
To Jenna's Personal Information
To Jenna's Diaries: Before the Beginning
To Jenna's Diaries: Beginnings