Jenna's Diary
In the Dark: Beginnings
GM George Gitari III
First Game Session. March 30, 1996
Part One: Dinner
Diary -
Talk about an up and down day. Today was insane! I guess I'm still in a bit of a shock, my systems are trying to put my brain on shutdown so I won't have to deal with all this, but it's not working. I can't sleep. There are too many crazy things running through my mind.
'So,' I say to myself, 'why not get up and write?' Now, where do I begin? I know! Going up the first hill of the emotional express.
I was offered the job as editor of the school newspaper. This was a good thing, as I had been highly irritated by the poor publication they had been running. So, I was very pleased by this.
After school, I ran into Derrick, who I guess I've been avoiding. I won't go into it, but we had a nasty little fight where lots of childish accusations were flung about, and we decided to "see other people." As any idiot knows, "see other people" is the prelude to "never speak to each other again." Our breakup bothered me for the first five blocks of my walk home. As I went through the next five I began to see the all positives to the situation. By the time I got home I was absolutely happy again.
I got in the door, threw my backpack into the closet, and yelled, "mom, guess what? They want me to be editor!" She poked her head out of the kitchen.
"Editor?" she asked, and smiled. "That's good dear." I went into the icebox and grabbed a seltzer. Mom was cooking a big dinner, which I didn't find odd, because she cooks whenever she wants to reward herself. I went and sat in front of the TV, to catch up on current foreign events for my world communications class. About half an hour later she came in, wiping her hands on a towel.
"We're having company for dinner." she said.
"Company?" I asked, confused, as we rarely have company. Then I got suspicious. It took her half an hour to tell me we're having company - my first thought was that perhaps she'd met a man or something, and she didn't want to tell me.
"Yes, well... it's your uncle." she said. 'Is she kidding?' I thought. I arched an eyebrow.
"An uncle." I said.
"Your father has been in touch. The war is over. Your uncle is coming to tell us the state of affairs in Amber." She explained.
NOW?!?
"So we're leaving." I didn't get upset. I didn't let all the raging emotions take over. I just tried to accept that the inevitable had arrived.
"Yes, we're going to Amber." she said. I didn't want to dampen her joy, because she'd been patient waiting for his return. She'd worked to I could have all the abundant extras, and had been wonderfully stable for me in my young everchanging world. When it came right down to it, she'd always put on a brave face whenever father had to leave, and now it was my turn.
"I've got some work to do outside." I said. I went out and started transfering my hardiest hybrids into my portable greenhouses. I was upset, but excited also; meeting one of my uncles, seeing father again after all these years... the prospect of going to Amber, the center of *all.* At the same time it ment leaving my home of six years, right when all tests and papers were coming to fruition.
Yet I'd known the day would come.
~~~~~~~~
I'd finished outside, cleaned up, and got into a dinner dress. I got out a suitcase to start packing. I threw in all my old diaries, and Derrick's picture. Then I took Derrick's picture back out and trashed it. I was looking around trying to decide what would be important to have, when I heard mom calling.
"Jenna, please come down here..." I ran down the stairs and stopped at the bottom. In our sitting room stood a *tall* man, seeming even taller for being so slender. On first glance he seemed strangely powerful... I was surprised when I noticed he had a hand missing, which did not ease the sensation of strength at all. I stepped off the last step and walked over to the doorway. That was when they seemed to take full notice of me.
"Jenna, dear, this is your uncle Benedict." mom said.
"Hello." said I. he bowed! I tried to curtsey but it'd been so long since we last lived in a place were it was normal, I'm not sure I did it right.
"It is a pleasure to meet you." He said after he straitened back to full height.
"It's nice to meet you, sir." I said.
"Could you entertain our guest while I finish up dinner?" mom asked me. Although I was somewhat nervous about having to be entertaining, I definitely felt there were questions I'd rather ask without mom around. Besides, it wasn't really a request.
"Of course, mom." I answered. She left us. He looked around quietly before he spoke.
"This is a very nice home." he said.
"We try." I responded. He began looking around again. He held a glass of wine, and seemed approachable enough, so I began with my questions. "I hate to be this forward, but what's going on?" I asked. He looked a bit concerned, and gave me his full attention.
"Nothing you need fear. Everything is fine." he said. "Things are growing more peaceful in Amber... you do know about Amber?"
"I've been informed. Really, though, this isn't anything I don't already know..."
"It's just that I'd prefer to tell you and your mother together." Uncle Benedict told me.
"Very well then." I sighed. He stood there like a statue for the longest twenty seconds of my life before mom came back in.
We all went into dinner (my favorite dish), and mother upheld the small talk. Uncle Benedict took the first bite of food and just savored it. Strange. This thought just occurred to me - could he have come almost straight from the war? I've never seen anyone enjoy food that way. He even asked mom for the recipe. She was blushing all over the place (too long without a man!) He followed through on it too, and actually wrote it down!
As I was saying about a crazy day - I had just gotten myself prepared to go to Amber when Uncle Benedict changed everything in a few sentences.
"So, Jenna, how do you feel about this?" he asked. I smiled at him, and shook my head a little.
"You know, you're the first person who has asked me that question." I said. He got a bit of a smile on my side of his face. "I expected it." I answered.
"Why do you have to leave now?"
"We're going to Amber." I said as if he were dimwitted.
"Your father's wishes were for you to finish your schooling here." he said. I looked sharply at my mother. From the look on her face it's obvious she didn't know about this either.
"That's better, I guess." I sat thinking about what that meant. "Yes, that's a lot better." I concluded with a smile.
"Is he *well?*" mom asked, referring to father.
"He is more wounded in spirit than anything, but that will heal in time." he answered glancing at his pinned jacket sleeve. I pretended not to notice. I mean, I am curious as to what happened, but I have enough manners not to ask. The rest of dinner went well. We were told we could expect father in a few weeks.
When the meal was done he handed mom a few more compliments, and announced he'd had a wonderful evening.
"I am really pleased to have met you." he told me.
"This whole evening was more pleasurable than I expected - No offence or anything." I said.
"I completely understand>." he said. Before exiting the door he kissed my hand and mother's. We must have looked ridiculous both blushing. We were pretty silent cleaning up. We both have a lot to think about, I guess. Uncle Benedict surprised me. He wasn't what I expected. I guess I thought... well, I never could quite imagine what an uncle would be like. I'm glad though. He seems intelligent, trustworthy. If everyone in Amber is like Uncle Benedict, I'll be very pleased.
Part Two: Fencing Class
Diary -
Uncle Benedict showed up at my fencing class today. I had won my match, again (I try to lose every eighth match, so people won't get to suspicious), and went to get a drink of water. I looked around and there he was, sitting in the bleachers. He seemed to be watching the class. I walked there and climbed over two rows, standing to his left.
"Hello Jenna."
"Hi. What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Seeing what it's like."
"It's boring."
"You seem to be holding back. he observed.
"Well... what do you expect?"
"Is this your mother's suggestion, or your decision?"
"Both." I said after some thought.
"That's fair... What have you been told about your aunts and uncles?"
"Not anything, really." I answered. He seemed disappointed by this news, and began explaining the political situation in Amber. It sounds dangerous, like I'll have to walk on eggshells there, and even that could get me trouble. He offered to tutor me, on the history of Amber amongst other things. He gave me some time to decide if I'd accept his offer - namely, until father gets here so I can discuss it with him.
"How do I contact you... or will you find me?" I asked with a big smile. He handed me a card about the size of my tarots, and it looked like a tarot, only he was the subject. He stood, leaning on a staff that had a garland of flowers (perhaps sorrel) spiraling down it. Behind him was an impressive looking horse. On the back of the card was a Unicorn. I felt a strange sensation holding it.
"Concentrate on it. Think about me as I am now. Study me now." I did as he said and I was bombarded by images. It was terrifying, in its way. Battle after battle, on and on, far to much. It happened so fast I find it hard to sort out. I get the feeling I somehow saw some of his memories, perhaps of the war. He pulled away from my gaze and stood. I sat down where he'd been.
"That," he said indicating the card, "is your first lesson. Your second lesson... be careful when you study someone. Anyone else may not let you out so easy." He gave me some other advise before he left.
I hid the card under my cloths and got up to rejoin the class. I really do think I'll take him up on his offer, but I do want to clear it with father first. I just don't know what it'll be like when he gets here, but I feel he'd appreciate my running it by him. I just hope we can get along.
Part Three: Tarot Reading
Diary -
Check out this
tarot reading! I did a Celtic cross reading (see diagram) for the general
question of what the effect will be of fathers return.
1) Present situation: Balance (2 SW) reversed
Meaning: The waiting is over. Stalemate ended. Beware of a new situation. The seeker, or someone known to the seeker, may travel soon.
My interpretation: Wow! Isn't that frightening! I'm already wary of what will happen when father returns. This place is my home now, and I'll have to leave. I was looking forward to things I will now have to forsake. "Beware." I am!
2) Major influence: Ace of Wands
Meaning: Beginning: Life, growth, energy, virility, fertility, inheritance, birth, adventure.
My interpretation: This card represents father to me. Enough said.
3) Goal, aspiration, or fate: 6 of Wands, reversed
Meaning: Delay, fear, disloyalty, inconclusive victory, acclaim with no real substance.
My interpretation: I don't know. This card confuses me. It definitely has non to do with my goals. Ditto with aspiration. Fate? I don't know if I buy fate. I hope things don't turn out this way, but I fear they will. Maybe fear is just it.
4) Far past, basis: 9 of Swords, reversed
Meaning: End of suffering, desolation, doubt. Good news about a loved one. Patients, faithfulness.
My interpretation: Maybe my parents, how mom feels about father's return, her feelings for him being the foundation of our family.
5) Recent events: The Lovers, reversed
Meaning: Failure, unreliably, separation, frustration in marriage, instability, confusion, silence. The inability, or disinclination to share thoughts.
My interpretation: Maybe things are going on with my parents I don't know about. Separation. My family knows all about that. This card represents more of my fears!
6) Near future: Ace of Pentacles, reversed
Meaning: Unhappiness with wealth, misuse of power, corruption.
My interpretation: Well, who knows? I've stayed out of trouble so far, and I've never been unhappy with wealth, I've found wealth very convenient. But, who knows?
7) Self (my place in the situation): 6 of Swords, reversed
Meaning: No escape. Journey postponed. A trip to a higher level of consciousness is advised.
My interpretation: No escape from my heritage. Not going to Amber until after graduation. I do need to get to a higher level of consciousness, but how? Uncle Benedict?
8) Feelings: 7 of Swords, reversed
Meaning: Over-qualification, good advice, return of stolen property.
My interpretation: I have been over-qualified here, but I think it has more to do with good advice. Uncle Benedict offered me his, and I really want to take it, maybe I need to trust my instincts.
9) Hopes and fears: 4 of Wands
Meaning: Harmony, romance, a wedding, newly acquired prosperity, fruits of labor, rest, harvest, home.
My interpretation: High hopes.
10) Final outcome: 3 of Cups
Meaning: Good fortune, artistic ability, sensitivity. Perhaps a party is in store. Fulfillment, healing, harmony.
My interpretation: Can't complain when a card like this comes up for a final outcome. I have a hard time believing things will be this rosy, but a party would be nice.
Part Four: Mom Squeals
Diary -
The big day has arrived. Father came home today!
I was working in my garden when I heard mom squeal. I don't remember her *ever* squealing before, but she had been anticipating this so much. The last week I've had to keep my bedroom door locked while at school so she wouldn't 'clean' my room. She couldn't pace like everyone else when nervous, she cleans!
So, she squealed. I knew he had come, but it took me a moment to absorb the knowledge. I needed a few minutes to get control of myself, so I took ten minutes to finish what I was doing and wash off my hands a bit with the hose. Mom has first dibs on father any day. She deserved some time alone.
When my ten minutes had gone I slipped in through the french doors. They were in the hall. He held her, whispering softly into her hair while she cried, tears of joy I'm sure. His hair was like... the color of sunsets and changed with his movement. He had it in a Q-tail, and my first coherent thought was that his hair was still long. He has these capable hands, and he was stroking her hair. He was calming her, and some wonderful memories from childhood came back to me. He really had done his best to take care of us. I just wanted to stand there forever, watching them together, having father with us.
He looked up and caught my eyes. We just looked at each other. It was nice that familiar gaze. Still wearing his goatee, I saw. When mom calmed down he said "Jenna."
He walked over to me. I wanted to run to him, but I couldn't make my legs go. I wasn't sure I was really seeing him, it'd been so long. I was afraid I was dreaming. He held out his hand to me. I finally was able to reach out to him. He took my hand in his and kneeled.
"I hope... no, I won't even say it... I can only have hope that someday you can forgive my absence..." he said, so sincerely I wanted to cry.
"Please get up!" I said, as it just seemed wrong for him to be there. He came forward and hugged me, which got mom going again. We ended up in a family embrace, which (as corny as it seems) was perfect.
We all gathered in the family(!) room, mom and I sitting opposite each other, and father standing, gripping the back of the chair. I kept wishing he sit down, as I was getting a kink in my neck looking up at him. He asked if I had any questions. I wanted to know exactly what he'd been doing. He went into a long explanation, mentioning many people who I presume are these aunts and uncles whom Uncle Benedict feels I must learn about. From what father said, I agree it would be prudent to know something about the way these people are. It seems the main reason we moved so often when I was a child was to ensure that certain relatives not know of us.
This in mind, and as father was waiting for another question, I decided to bring up studying with Uncle Benedict. I guess I really did it as a test, to see how father would react to my choosing someone above him. I should have picked a better time to bring it up. It was cruel of me. I'm confused by the feelings fighting within me. I'm so happy he's here. At the same time, my whole life is being disrupted again, and I am resenting him, even though I know it was not his fault he was gone. I just couldn't stop myself from lashing out. He'd practically just offered to teach me everything when I decided to drop my little bomb.
"I'm going to study under Uncle Benedict, O.K.?" I asked. He looked like he might explode for a moment, then he went on shutdown.
"What?" he asked, very controlled. "Benedict was here?"
"We thought you sent him." I said. He looked at mom. She nodded. He mumbled something about being late, and turned back to me.
"I did *not* send him." he said.
"He came to dinner." I said. Again he looked at mom. "we were talking about Amber's history..."
"You talked to Benedict ALONE?!" he said. 'Oops!' I thought 'Lie number one... well, not really a lie...'
"I talked to him while mom finished dinner... he said I should wait and talk to you first." I said. That seemed to bring him back a little. He thought about it.
"I agree with Benedict's wisdom. I would have you come to me though, if you have any questions."
"Alright." I said. Then he went on to explain to me that he met mom in a "circle kingdom" when he was there fighting the war. He said, "I won't pretend it was love at first sight..." At that point I looked down. It just didn't matter to me, whatever had gone before. Seeing them the way they were when I came in off the patio, the way he held her, that was all that mattered to me.
"Do you have any other questions?" he asked.
"Are you staying?"
"Yes, yes. Until things get wrapped up here. Then we'll be going to Amber." he said. That was good enough for me. I am being considered in his decision making, and I do appreciate that. I did not expect to be. I left them alone and went back out to the garden for a while, and then just grabbed a sandwich to eat in my room. I just know they need some time together. I mean, if I hadn't seen my husband in six years... I'm just thankful I didn't here anything.
Part Five: We Are the Royalty!
Diary -
Last night was graduation, so I expected to be wiped out today, but I feel fine. My commencement speech went well, and once I got going I even forgot to keep shaking. I was nervous though!
I had a talk with father today, I mean, just us... it was pretty serious. I was transferring lilacs when he came out (mom was at work). When I saw him coming... dread just came over me. I thought he's come to tell me it was time to pack. Hard as I've tried, I've gotten a little attached to this place over the last six years, and I'm nervous about going to Amber. I'd put off contacting Uncle Benedict until after I could finished school, and I'm just not ready to go yet.
"There is something that needs to be said, and your mother preferred I tell you." he began. I stayed standing, crossed my arms over my chest and looked up at him. "You know we live..."
"Yeah, I understand the immortality thing."
"Well, I had loves in my life before your mother." he said. I winced. I couldn't figure out why he would tell me this.
"Do we have to go into this?"
"Yes. I have a son." Wow! That must have been what the look I gave him said too. "You have a half-brother, Auric."
"How old is he?" I asked.
"Around fifty." I stood there to let it hit me, and began trying to fit my new sibling into my little concept of my family. "What's he like?... or weren't you there?" I hated myself the moment it came out. Too late, you know. I've always had this great self-control, but lately... things have been slipping out. I keep trying to hurt him. It's so irrational!
"You can debate with Auric whether it's better to be raised by me or away from me." he said. I didn't want to ask him what that meant, so I re-asked him my useful question.
"What's he like?"
"He was very emotional before the war. I believe he has matured since then."
"Does he know about me?"
"I told him before I road."
"Well, alright." I sat down in the grass then, and looked way up at him. "I really thought you sent Uncle Benedict." I said.
"Benedict is an excellent person. If you have any questions though, I really hope you'll come to me."
"I'm sure I'll have enough questions for everyone."
"We'll be going back soon." he said. Looking back I am very impressed by the way he snuck that in.
"What happens if I commit some big faux paux, like I accidentally spit on the King, or something. It's been a long time since I was in those places..."
"That is why I'm here; to teach you those things."
"I'm just nervous I'll break some rule."
"We *are* the *royalty.* We make the rules. It's hard for us to break them." he said. I nodded, even though I have no idea what that means! We pretty much left it at that.
Now I need to use that card and get in touch with Uncle Benedict, to tell him I'd like to take him up on his offer.
Interlude
A correspondence.
Derrick,
You'll probably think
I'm a coward for not telling you this to your face. Maybe I am, but I think
it's more complicated than that.
I'm gone.
My father
returned, as you know. Now he moves us. I'll never see you again, this much I'm
sure of. You have a life ahead of you and, although we spent a descent amount
of time together, you will be without me now. I feel you are prepared for this.
You have your apprenticeship where you want to. I'm sure you'll make a
wonderful soldier someday. I hope my ego has made me believe you feel more for
me than you do. I know you'll be fine without me.
I admit I held
back a lot from you. You said it around a thousand times - and I lied when I
denied it. I couldn't tell you all the things I might have shared. I didn't let
things go as far as I might have wanted to - because I knew I'd have to leave,
someday. You knew something was wrong, well, this was it. I could never have
stayed with you and abandoned my family.
I have some
regrets. I try to focus on our better times, likepromenade dances, when I
taught you to ice skate, and the way you'd read to me while I gardened. I will
miss the way you so expressed the character's emotions. Those times you moved
me to tears and laughed at my silliness...
Still, I have
left. There will be no more time for us to fight, or laugh or talk over things.
I just wanted you to know I care about you, and I couldn't simply leave without
saying goodbye.
Goodbye,
Jenna
Jenna Nina's Diaries are copyrighted (c) by Elizabeth Trumitch 1998, 1999.
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